Friday 1, August 2013
There are 50 days left until my exam date. I am half way through my content review. I took a mock exam of the content I've studied so far and I got more than half of the questions wrong. This made me frustrated at myself for pushing off my studies for so long, and it made me feel incredibly stupid. But once the anger subsided, I'm not smart in all my past successes they've simply been because I studied and worked hard, harder than most people. There was a never a right way to go about studying, there may have been but I know in hindsight that I never took it, it was always wrong but nonetheless my efforts never betrayed me. Furthermore, everything on that mock exam, whether I got it right or wrong I had seen before, and nothing was completely foreign to me. That's why I took this exam, not expecting everything to be right, not to see how much more work I have in front of me, but to make sure that my content review has been comprehensive enough so that I at least had an idea of the questions presented in front of me. If this isn't the case, I go back and fill in the blanks, it's nothing to be upset at myself or the world over, it's simply a chance to make sure I have at least seen everything once.
Saturday 2, August 2013 12:08 AM
The day is over, there are 49 days left until my exam. I think the scariest part of studying is my own expectations that I have to do well right off the bat. I was able to overcome that today, in no small part to my beautiful companion Rosa, if there is one thing I've learned well from her it's too relax and not to psych myself out. On our way back home we met an older woman who was mentally challenged, she said as much herself. All she was trying to do was get back home, her train was in 40minutes and she had a long way to go. It was happy coincidence that she met us, Rosa needed to go to Penn and the lady, Kristen, did as well so we merrily went on our way making random chit chat. My first and only impression of her was that she was unbelievably sweet, her foremost concern was everyone else and was always sorry for getting in people's way even if she wasn't. Everything she was completely apologetic for were mild inconveniences if that, a very kind older woman. In the middle of our conversation, a young gentleman with an unplaceable accent, turns out it was Indian but certainly different from what I've heard, but that aside, he jumps into our conversation (a little drunk) and asks where I was applying for medical school. It turns out he had just started his first year of residency at Cornell as an aspiring anesthesiologist, just speaking with him briefly was invigorating and refreshing, in the midst of my anxiety-burdened studies a moment with him made me feel like this was possible again. I wonder if I can do that for someone, he was well-mannered, well-spoken, calm, sociable, tall or at least seemed that way to me, he will make a great doctor, and in that brief moment he was supportive of my efforts and I am thankful for that. There are so many people, most if not all of them me, who keep saying that I can't the courage to keep going sometimes feels impassable, if it wasn't for the constant restlessness that makes me stand up again I would have probably given up, so I guess the restlessness is a good thing and I should embrace it, I thank you restlessness for keeping me on a track.
